I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
