dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Randomize
