On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yep and i guess after he came back from that he sat down next to me and i just put my hand right on his penis just casually like it was his leg
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
