I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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