i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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