It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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