I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
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I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
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All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize