your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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