Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
