sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My ass is underappreciated
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
