The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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