so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
gymnastic barn sex. fuck i wish i hadn't blacked out
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
