we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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