Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
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The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
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At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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