i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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