This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
