capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
