I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
