Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Randomize
