There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
