I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
