A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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