I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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