I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
