The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
