I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
