Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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