Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
