She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
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everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
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Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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