I looked at my own cervix.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
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