Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
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