Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
