Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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