i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
We talked him into tasing himself.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
