Four minutes until I can fart!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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