Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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