I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
