but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
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