He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I pour the whiskey from now on
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
