so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
