there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
