its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Found your dick twin last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Randomize
