I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
