I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
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