I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
