i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
pop tarts are not kleenex
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
