just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
