The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
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