umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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