There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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