i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
