party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
