best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
