Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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