i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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