you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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