On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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