Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
